Dear Jennifer: I had been dating ‘Sam’ for three years and while our relationship had its problems, we got along most of the time. But I wasn’t happy because he wasn’t affectionate with me and was inconsiderate of my feelings so I ended it a year ago. Now Sam has a new girlfriend and I can’t believe he’s doing all of the things with her that he would never do with me, even though I asked him all of the time. I see them around sometimes and he acts like he is really in love with her, holding hands, posting photos of them together on Facebook, which he would never do with me. Why couldn’t he love me like he loves her when I really loved him and did a lot for him? Didn’t he appreciate any of that?
Jennifer’s Answer: While I’m going to talk about this relationship to answer this question, this issue is relevant to all of our relationships, including those in our family. Have you ever felt like you did not belong in your family, that you were different, were treated differently than other family members, and no one understood you? If you did this information will have special meaning for you and relevance to you and will, I hope, give you a measure of peace when you realize that it is not about you at all, it’s all about the energy of our connections.
I’m sorry that this is making you so sad and you think that someone else is getting the best of Sam’s love, that you believe you should have received since you committed so much time, energy, effort, and love to him and to this relationship.
So here’s the good news and the bad news. The good news is that Sam did love you in the best way he could love you, and gave you everything he had to give to you. This is based on his energetic frequency and how it aligns and resonates with yours.
The bad news is that he could not love you the way you wanted or needed to be loved because the energetic connection, based on his energetic frequency, did not allow that to happen. Everyone has an energy ceiling that determines how they give and receive energy. It’s a personal choice and it is not something we can change or interfere with. Once that ceiling is reached there’s a choice that has to be made, to expand their energy to a new vibe or to leave. You are the one who ended the relationship because you felt unfulfilled – Sam’s energy ceiling was reached.
As unglamorous as it sounds, every person we are connected to, in any capacity, is just an energetic connection. And the frequency, level, and purpose of that vibration will determine every aspect of a relationship.
There were signs of this happening in the relationship. For example, you say that you were not happy, that you felt ignored and unappreciated. That was your sign that he was at his energy ceiling and that this was his way of showing you he had no more to give you. He really was doing the very best that he could.
While it may appear that Sam was holding back on you and not giving you the things you wanted from him, this was what I call a multi-dimensional relationship, where you were at different energy levels. You both had to be at an equivalent energy level to fully connect and to feel fulfilled, and he is not there. He will never be able to be there, which is why this relationship ended.
You did say that there were problems, that he wasn’t considerate or thoughtful, which happened because his heart had to be open to you in a way that he was just not capable of. While he can do it with this other person, they have a totally different kind of connection than he did with you.
And be careful with your judgments here, you do not know how this relationship is really working and may be assuming a lot of things that aren’t true. Let me tell you a secret – the kind of relationship he has with his new girlfriend would not make you happy because it is not the relationship you really want.
How do I know that?
Because you already had a relationship with Sam and you were not happy in it. He has not changed at all, he is just now with someone who meets his emotional style and who matches his energetic frequency. That is why he looks happy to you – but it is not a state of happiness you would enjoy.
The worst thing that you are doing in this situation is assuming that Sam could have the same kind of relationship with you that you think he is having with someone else. You are causing yourself a lot of grief by thinking this and it is not true. He had one kind of relationship with you, and has another with the new person.
Maybe she is happy with a different kind of heart connection, maybe his emotional style, which you found unfulfilling, is perfect for her. Perhaps he doesn’t have to be at the same level of energy giving or is more aligned with her energy than he was with you, and maybe they are at the same energy frequency which is why this relationship is easier for him.
There are many reasons why their relationship looks better to you but it isn’t, it is just different. Know that you got the best that Sam had to give you, within the energetic connection you had, and he did try but he could not be at the level of energetic frequency and vibration that he needed to be, to have a loving, fulfilling, committed relationship with you.
People always give us the most they are capable of giving and the best they have to give. We always think they are holding back when that doesn’t meet our needs but they aren’t. They are giving us what they have, which can be less than what we want and need. No one is wrong here, it is all about the energy connection. Multi-dimensional relationships are a heart expanding invitation from one person to the other to be at a specific energetic frequency. Sometimes this works out successfully, other times, as you experienced, the other person is not capable of rising to the invitation.
So the person extending the invitation can feel cheated, used and not happy. The only solution is to move on, to keep your heart open and extend an invitation to someone who is ready to be at the level of energetic frequency and vibration that you are and with them, you will find the joy, fulfillment and commitment that you want and need.
Did he appreciate you and everything you did for him? Not really but that is not the right question. Instead, you should be asking did he value what you offer him and the answer to that is no. Now it’s not because it was not good, it just was not important to him.
Let me explain
While relationships start out with emotional energy like love, what makes then enduring is value. We must have the same value levels or ‘value alignment’ in a relationship or it will end. I am talking about what we value, the things that are important to us, that have meaning and relevance, and what we basically like or want. This is beyond our values, the things we embody
People value things they can relate to, resonate with, appreciate, and find a shared connection with. All of the wonderful things you did for him were great in your opinion and from your perspective but they were what you value in a relationship. And they were not valuable to him. Here’s an example (listen to the podcast to get an example of value alignment)
They love camping you hate it
They value a close connection, you are more independent
You value commitment, they want to have personal freedom maybe even being ok with seeing other people
You can avoid this kind of disappointment in the future by realizing that healing relationships – where you go into the relationship to heal someone else – always have a crossroads moment, where someone has to change. That point determines whether the relationship can continue or not.
This crossroads moment happened to you when you realized that your needs were not being met, that you were not being treated with the same level of attention and support that you were giving him. That would have been his energetic signal to up his game and that was his choice. He decided not to – I should say, he considered it and it was not possible for him to. So the relationship continued as it was and you ended it in frustration.
We need to see people as they are, in their own energy frequency, not as we wish they were or think they could be.
Having expectations is never a good thing because at some point they will be tested and often lead to the collapse of the relationship.
Being at different energy levels is going to put a lot of pressure on the relationship – not at the beginning but towards that crossroads point where you stop giving and expect to receive.
And lastly, do not shame yourself for what you are seeing as a failure, it is not a failure at all. Every relationship is not an invitation to enter ‘happily ever after’ land.
Some relationships are a lesson to us to learn when to let go, to choose different partners, to stop seeking relationships with a healing objective and to choose people who are already healed, whole, and congruent. If we find ourselves choosing the same kind of partner, one who is a healing project, that is a reflection of our need to heal ourselves and more importantly, to see where we are limiting our own joy by engaging in relationships that do not serve our needs, with people who have nothing to give us.
There is a lot of power in being the giver in a relationship, that is the one who controls all of the energy. What happens when you are in a relationship with someone who wants to give to you? Are you ready for that? That is a longer discussion for another time, just know that when you decide you’re ready to stop choosing partners who represent a lot of work you will be able to attract someone who has much love, caring, kindness, and support to give to you, when you are ready to receive it
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