We all have relationships and life situations, past or present, where there is a definite energy misalignment between us and someone or something. You know what I’m talking about, those situations where you give and give and give and wait for a return on your investment. Or where you have high expectations of someone or something, you invest 100% of your time, energy, and effort, and nothing happens. Or where you take a stand for someone until they can use their own energy resources and they never seem to take that initiative.We have a decision to make here – we’re either going to continue providing energy in this situation or we’re going to get an energy divorce.
It is very noble to act as others’ healers but it does come to a point where we need to look at the investment of our time, effort, and energy and the ROI (return on investment) we’re receiving and we come to a crossroads – something has to change because we can no longer continue to leak energy, drain our resources, and give to a situation that doesn’t give back to us.
Of course we don’t have to make that decision – we can continue to give endless supplies of energy to a situation that we hope will one day pay us back and sometimes we do that. And we do it in anticipation that ‘one more time’ will make a difference and we’ll eventually get what we want.
We have several choices as to how we are going to respond and
they are on different levels. Let’s look at the emotional level first.
We’re
angry when we feel taken advantage of, used, and our efforts ignored or
disregarded. We want validation, consideration, and acknowledgement and
more importantly, we want a result. Not just any old result though, we
have expectations and an agenda – we want the result that we have been
working for.
This is where we can make ultimatums, create a lot of drama, and demand a payoff or reward for our huge efforts.
And we’re right but that doesn’t mean that we are going to get what we want.
On an energetic level we feel entitled to what we want because we did give a lot of energy to create a powerful transformation in someone. We saw someone or something in their highest light and aspects and we held that vision for them until they could step into it. We feel used, taken advantage of, and that we have wasted our energy resources.
If we were in a marriage where our partner was constantly ignoring us, arguing with us, they were unfaithful, lied to us, and we felt there was no emotional exchange we would eventually come to the end of the road emotionally and energetically and want a divorce.
In these situations we’re in an emotionally charged state and it is upsetting and we want revenge.
Can you relate to any of this?
It helps to remember that while we feel the emotional connections to people and situations, our initial and most important connection to them is energetic. In fact, everything we do in any relationship has an energetic basis and every decision we make in these relationships must be considered at an energetic level.
This is the relationship aspect we rarely think about especially when we’re in an emotionally charged situation where our energy is fueling our often unreasonable and unrealistic expectations.
While on an emotional level we want a divorce, to be separated from someone who isn’t meeting our emotional needs, such a concept exists energetically too but it’s a little different.
Divorce is highly emotional and as someone who worked as a paralegal in the 1990s ‘Kramer vs Kramer’ days of costly, highly charged divorce hearings, I have seen my fair share of contested divorce battles. I have supported and coached many clients through divorces and found that in addition to helping them address their emotional connections to their partners, I had to show them how to get an energetic divorce from their partners too, otherwise they were never able to disconnect emotionally and this proved to be a costly, devastating battle that they would never win. Listen to the podcast to hear some examples of this.
In order to have an effective energy divorce, which is how we disentangle ourselves energetically from someone and all of the emotions we have connected to them, we must create strong energy boundaries to help us heal our own hurt feelings, emotions, and to address our need for revenge, vindication, validation, and closure.
An energy divorce is an intentional separation of our energy field from another’s but it is not as simple as walking away –you know that if you have ever been through a legal divorce.
Let me add that an energy divorce does not also mean that we physically separate from someone – it is not the kind of separation in a marital divorce but it can be. Once we create an energy divorce the other person has to be willing to share the energy responsibilities of a relationship and if they can’t then there will be a physical separation.
We have to deal with our own feelings and emotions first and then find a way to give ourselves completion and closure so we leave the relationship without any loose ends, unmet expectations, and backward glances hoping for ‘one more time’ that means we’ll get what we want energetically from that person, we’ll be rewarded for our efforts.
Energy boundaries create an energetic force field which helps us manage our energy flows. Without energy boundaries we don’t control where our energy goes and who has access to and can connect to our energy. It’s a free for all.
With energy boundaries we decide the frequency and vibration of our connections and that prevents anyone who cannot manage or respect or align with those to stay away from us.
Now a reminder here that just because you set energy boundaries doesn’t mean people will like them – most likely they won’t and you will encounter plenty of resistance. The need to set energy boundaries and how people respond to them are two different matters entirely.
An effective energy divorce is easier with energy boundaries because while you may not get the validation or vindication you want from someone, you will have an easier time of managing the emotions and better success avoiding those backwards ’one more time’ glances when you have set a path forward for yourself.
An energy divorce cuts the energetic cords you have to someone and this also diminishes the emotional connections – not entirely, you still have to do some work there, but it does stop feeding the hurt, pain, and emotional black holes that are part of these relationships and all of our unmet expectations.
In an energy divorce you decide to put a stop to the flow of energy from you to someone else or something, you make strong decisions about the kind of energy you want in your life and that alone can create the energetic disconnection but only if you also address the emotional issues which are the real reason it is impossible to disconnect from someone and move on.
With an energy divorce, like a marital divorce, there may still be feelings of regret, hopefulness, and a longing for a different ending. But setting strong energy boundaries will create the framework for healing so that we can energetically divorce and move on, allowing the past to be a blessing to remind us of how it is important for us to use our energy boundaries to manage our energy, to not have relationships with our own expectations, and to accept others’ choices and see them as they are, not as we wish they were or hope they can become.
Is it time for an energy divorce in your life? Here are some signs that an energy divorce may be a good option for you:
- you’re in a relationship with someone and you hope that one day they will change
- you are giving far more of your time, energy, and effort than you are receiving in return
- You feel used, taken advantage of, and unappreciated even if you do not admit that to yourself
- you are seeing someone in their highest aspects but that is not how they are acting, listen to the podcast titled ‘See the Divine, Deal with the Human’
- you feel bad and emotionally unfulfilled most of the time
- you want to leave the relationship or situation and you tell yourself you’re going to but you never do
- you keep giving the person or situation ‘one more chance’ hoping that this time it will change
Energy
divorces, like marital divorces, are not easy but when someone shows us
who they are, we need to accept that and make a choice for ourselves
that will bring us the most joy, peace of mind and peace of heart, and
fulfillment. And sometimes that means getting an energy divorce and
using that experience to help us set strong energy boundaries so we can
create the loving, fulfilling, joyful and joy-filled relationships and
life that we really want.
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