How do we know when it’s time to stop in a relationship or a situation which we realize is not working out, draining our energy, or, to be blunt, a waste of our time and effort? How can we stop without feeling like we failed or quit without throwing a frustration tantrum?
The key is in knowing the difference between stopping and quitting and using that information to let go with empowered grace and dignity.
When is it time to stop in a relationship or situation where we realize we’re just spinning our wheels, wasting our time or worse, being used, abused, or taken advantage of?
In the best of worlds we would stop right away but it’s more complicated than that. The decision to pull back and leave a situation or relationship depends on so many other things:
how vested or committed we are to winning in this situation
when it becomes personal – it’s about you, not about them or the situation
how much time and energy we have invested in the relationship or situation
what our expectations are
what other options we have
who we think is watching, waiting for us to fail
how many times we think we have failed before
how much we want to believe that it is our mission or purpose to succeed in this effort
how much potential we believe is in that person or situation and how committed we are to bring it out and make them become what we see in them
OK so how many of you see yourselves in the above list? How many times have you given something ‘one more chance’ because you just know that this time is it and you are going to succeed, to get the outcome you want, that you will change that person and they will be so grateful that you will become the hero or heroine?
And how many ‘one more chance’ opportunities have to happen before you get discouraged, despondent, disappointed, and realize that no matter how much you try this is simply not going to work out.
So you decide you’re going to quit, hang it up, throw in the towel, and ‘never do that again’. You have lost, failed, not succeeded, missed an opportunity, didn’t prove yourself, etc. AGAIN. And you feel bad about it, you’re ashamed, angry, and feel like a failure.
Is this why it is so hard to stop, because we associate it with failure and do we really believe that every single situation must turn out to be some kind of success or have positive potential?
But wait, there is another way to do this and to step away from and let go of a situation with empowered grace and dignity.
There is a way to let go and walk away from these kinds of situations with your head held high, proud of your efforts and equally proud of your ability to know when it’s time to go. As Kenny Rogers sang, ‘you have to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away and know when to run’.
How do you walk away or run with empowered grace and dignity? You know the difference between stopping and quitting – one implies control and the other implies shame and powerlessness.
Do you want to guess which is which?
The decision between stopping and quitting can mean the difference between holding your head high because you know you made a powerful decision for yourself or blaming and shaming yourself for not succeeding once again, for failing, for not trying hard enough, for giving up too soon (again), and for being utterly worthless at everything you try to do. Can you add anything else here?
You see when you decide to stop you are making an informed decision to surrender, which doesn’t mean to give up, it means to stop resisting the process. You have looked at the situation from your viewpoint and decided that it is not right for you. You took stock of what you were giving and receiving in return, how much time, energy, and effort was involved and whether the return was adequate.
“I am going to stop now” is a powerful way to step away with grace and dignity, and to have completion and closure with the situation.
The choice to quit is much different. When you quit you give up, you have had enough of the resistance and lack of support and acknowledgement for your efforts and you’re going to show everyone how much it bothers you – you are just going to quit and then let them try to get along without you.
Quitting is a choice you make from a position of weakness, loss of control, and disempowerment. You quit because you feel that you have failed. You quit because you are angry, frustrated, and annoyed with the situation or the person.
Maybe you are even a little passive aggressive because quitting always has a side door attached to it – will your very public, usually loud, and dramatic quitting encourage someone to try to get you back? Will they finally realize how much they need and want you and give you what you want to come back? Will they finally acknowledge how much you have done and that they cannot live/continue/succeed without you?
When we decide to stop we are in control. When we decide to quit we are trying to look like we’re in control while secretly acknowledging that we are not.
When we decide to stop we have completion and closure, we are finished and can walk away with empowered dignity.
When we decide to quit we feel incomplete and that we have failed.
Look at how we use the words stop and quit:
I am stopping
I quit
What’s the point of this? The point of this process is to get your energy back, to stop putting your time, effort, and energy into people and situations that offer no return on your investment in them, and to stop blaming and shaming yourself for not being successful in impossible situations where you have no control over the outcome because it depends on what others do.
But instead of quitting in frustration, learn how to make the decision to stop with empowered grace, using the importance of your needs, time, and energy as the basis for your choice, instead of feeling like a failure because you cannot change someone or something.
Learn how to give yourself a way out of impossible, no win, situations by having strong energy boundaries and knowing when to pull your energy back, and to do so with empowered grace and dignity. And when you stop instead of quitting you have completion and closure – you know you have done your best and there is no more benefit to you to put one more ounce of your time, energy, and effort into it.
There is no shame or guilt in deciding to stop because you are implementing your energy boundaries, protecting your interests, and deciding how and where you energy will be used.
This is how you leave a situation with empowered grace and then use the lessons you have learned and integrated to make a different choice next time.
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