Bring Light Into Grief
- Loss and Impermanence -
by Selacia
It's not easy to live in these times of mega change, the world
around you shifting at lightning speed and so much of what was familiar
falling away. Feeling a sense of loss, or even grief, is not uncommon.
Sometimes your mind can be so concerned about future unknowable
situations that you can project a sense of loss into your present
regarding things that may or may not happen. Continue reading for
understanding how to work with these feelings of loss and grief -
whether it's about a situation, a person, or a beloved pet.
Advance Grief
Let's
start with what I call advance grief. You can experience this when a
loved one is terminally ill, when you fear you will lose something
material like a job, or when you project fear about a future condition
like growing old without savings. The grief or sense of loss you feel
can be debilitating. Certainly it can take you out of the present, cloud
your vision about options, hinder your current time decision-making and
actions, and reduce your capacity to feel joy in the now.
None
of this is productive. Your conditioned mind, however, can easily take
you to this unproductive place. Over lifetimes you and your ancestors
have been conditioned to fear change and the ultimate physical body
change for all beings, which is death.
Your
wise cosmic self, however, understands impermanence and the importance
of living in the present. This part of you can easily be with what is.
It knows that it is eternal, and that all things in this world fall
away. Your wise inner being trusts in the process of change and has no
fear about the 'what ifs" of the future. In "Your Cosmic Self and You"
will be more guidance and practical tools for working with these things
so much a part of our human condition.
Loss of Loved Ones
Loss
of a loved one can be among the most difficult crossroads you can have.
Losing someone you love also can be a significant catalyst to awakening
and personal understanding of impermanence. Sharing here something I
wrote in 2003 when my beloved calico cat Chelsea passed after being with
me for 20 years - in hopes this helps you navigate grief and loss in
these times.
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From Selacia's December 2003 Article - Loss of a Loved One
Consider
for a few moments your life in 2003. What changes or endings have you
experienced in your relationships and your life experiences? As an
example, you may have left a job or been promoted to a new position,
dramatically shifting your career path or income level. Your old way of
fearfully responding to uncertainty may have changed to a more
confident, trusting manner as you developed a more intimate connection
with spirit. Your relationship with an old friend may have grown more
distant as your paths took different routes. A loved one may have died,
leaving you with a sense of loss and grief.
As
you do your personal year-end inventory of 2003, consider inviting
spirit to assist, bringing to your awareness what you need to see. Ask
to be shown the gift of each ending or change, even if the situation has
been painful and you can't imagine there is anything positive to
ponder. Allow your intuitively guided reason to show you what is
limiting your personal progress, and what you could let go of to get
back on track. This process of inner reflection can be done anytime
throughout the year, too. For right now, before this year ends, it can
be especially potent to set aside time for yourself, taking stock of the
energies you are leaving behind and the energies you seek to bring in
during 2004. For this process, it's ideal to have at least one day when
you are not involved with the busy "doing" state of typical life.
Allowing yourself regular renewal time is essential to your spiritual
growth.
Renewal
time and inner reflection become especially important when you sense
the imminent departure of a loved one. To allow yourself this time and
quiet space for listening to the whispers of spirit is to honor yourself
and your loved one. It also helps you to be really present with each
part of the transition experience. As a result, you will find it easier
to cope with stress and to respond in a loving way.
Every
person will at some time receive news that a family member, pet, or
other loved one has a terminal illness. Such is the nature of life. One
cannot avoid the experience of death. Life, by its very nature, is
marked by impermanence at every turn. Everything in the world of
physical form, including the loved ones who you hold dear, will one day
be changing form. Therefore, even if you aren't now personally facing
the prospect of a loved one's death, it's very useful to frequently
meditate upon this idea of impermanence.
Knowing
that your loved one is dying can be overwhelming, especially when you
are unsure about how to prepare. In modern society, there is so much
fear, denial and ignorance about death that many people make little or
no advance preparations. Worry, by the way, does not count as
preparation! Facing the death of a loved one without preparation tends
to needlessly increase one's suffering. After all, how can you say
good-bye to a loved one without regrets when you don't feel ready?
There
is a strong tendency to delay as long as possible the decisions,
actions, conversations and completions that could make the transition
less painful for all concerned. Likewise, because of the taboo and fear
surrounding death, most people are unable to remain in present time as
they contemplate the prospect of death. The person's mind races forwards
and backwards, avoiding the stillness and richness offered by the
present moments.
Focusing
on the future can bring up fears of the void a loved one's passing will
create. Thinking about the past can bring up regrets and wishes for a
life that could have been different in some way. Both reference points
are futile and create feelings of loss.
Contemplate What You Have Learned & Received
While your loved one is still living, it
is very useful to take the time to contemplate what you have learned and
received from the relationship. Ask yourself some questions such as the
following, inviting spirit to open you to a higher wisdom:
- What have I learned about myself because of this relationship?
- What qualities have I developed because of this relationship (e.g. to be more patient, generous, forgiving)?
- What difficult pattern played out in this relationship, opening my eyes to a way of being I would like to release from my life (e.g. noticing how my need to be right causes friction and a wall of defense around my heart)?
- How is my view of life changed?
- What patterns did I repeat?
- What have I learned about love and how to love?
- What are the key gifts I have received from this relationship?
- What was this person or pet showing me about life and how to live life?
- What do I now know about relationships that can alter how I relate to others from this moment forward?
- What was the true higher purpose of this relationship?
Communicate Your Feelings & Thoughts
It is natural to feel sad about the
prospect of a loved one passing. The grief that you feel when you lose
someone will be there even if you feel prepared. However, you will
likely suffer even more when you haven't communicated what's in your
heart while your loved one is still alive. You can communicate things
such as the following, either face-to-face or on the "inner planes" to
the person or pet:
- What would you like me to know that you haven't told me?
- What I would like you to know that I haven't told you is ....
- How would you like to be remembered?
- I love you more than I've ever told you ....
- The things I've appreciated most about you in my life are ....
- The questions that I've always wanted you to answer are ....
- What I'd like to make sure you know while we're still here together is ....
- What I believe about death and the afterlife is ....
Let Go Of Grievances
Revisit Vows & Agreements Held Within Your DNA
Ask spirit to help you get in touch with
any vows or agreements you have made in connection with your loved one.
These energetic statements of intent, often made silently and without
your conscious awareness, are held along with belief systems within your
DNA. The purpose of uncovering these is to have conscious awareness of
their existence so you can determine if they serve your highest good.
Sometimes the agreements are made between two people in the early days
of their relationship. Other agreements are made before you are birthed
into physical form, either in a past incarnation or in between physical
lives when the stage is set for what you will learn this lifetime. You
have the power to change or rescind agreements! An example of an
agreement a person might want to reconsider is one that says, "I will
die before you (so you can take care of me in my final days)." With this
agreement in place, your loved one may not feel they have your
permission to leave the physical plane when it's their time to die. This
can create needless conflict and cause heavy feelings of obligation.
Give Permission & Let Go
If your loved one has a terminal illness,
it can be helpful to their own preparation process to know it's OK with
you that they die. Even if their life expectancy is several more months,
they will benefit from knowing that they have your permission to leave
and that you are willing to let go. Communicating this permission, both
verbally and in your actions, will help both of you. In this preparatory
period, you also will benefit from inviting spirit to show you that you
really will be OK without the physical presence of your loved one. Pray
about it and trust that spirit will begin to reveal to you actions you
can take now, including the healing of past wounds, that will allow you
to say to yourself, "I know I'm OK and will be OK when they are no
longer in my life."
Consider The Physical Details In Advance
Completing your relationship with a person
or pet also includes considering the end-time physical details in
advance. If you have a pet, for example, it will be helpful to make
plans for their death in advance of the day they die. When you are in
the midst of the grief of just losing your pet, it will add to your pain
to have to sort out details of how you will treat the body. Pets can
telepathically communicate their wishes about things like burial,
cremation, and commemoration. Your pet can also tell you whether it
wants assistance in dying, and how you will know when it's "time."
Likewise, with your beloved human companion, it's useful to know in
advance their preferences about a funeral and other physical details as
well as any special requests or needs. You will also want to give some
advance consideration to your personal role in your loved one's final
days.
These are among the initial preparations
that can be helpful when a loved one's passing is imminent. The
transition from physical form to the spiritual form can be one of ease
and release, accompanied by a sense of completion. Regardless of what
your relationship has been until now, the final days or weeks can be a
time when you set aside grievances and choose to come from love. It can
be the most potent time of your entire relationship.